"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I always considered myself an observer and as I child, I was definitely a girl of few words, except for at home. I kept a lot of things to myself, never verbalizing them. My view of myself was that I was a shy, quiet girl, often “hiding” in the shadow of my mother. It hasn’t been until more recently that I’ve “come out of my shell” and am truly becoming what God wants me to be. So, I want to tell you that story - who I was and how I came to be who I am. 

In school, I loved creative writing and other the years, it’s been a way to clear my head, have a creative outlet, and often express myself in a way that I often have a hard time doing when I’m speaking. I’ve journaled off/off over the years, attempted to write a blog about my farm, but regardless of the reason, writing has always been, something I enjoy and find “therapeutic”. So, I thought, why not share some of these things with others? Perhaps it’ll help someone who’s gone or is going through a similar situation. I hope it’ll be an encouragement to others, and if nothing else, I simply just enjoy writing.

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As children, we’re often asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Often, it’s about a “job” or career. Some children know from an early age what they want to do and work very hard to achieve their goals. Others don’t know even after they graduate high school. But I’d estimate that the majority have a childhood dream, but end up doing something totally different by the time they’re an adult. I think we can all agree that we don’t really know what’s going to happen in the future, despite our best-made plans.

For me, I knew what I wanted to be from a very young age: a stay-at-home wife and mother. Having grown up in a Bible-believing family, I was very familiar with the Proverbs 31 woman and also Titus 2:4-5: “ encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.” Therefore, in my mind, the ultimate goal for me was to be married, take care of my future husband, children, and household. My mom loved being at home with my brother and I. She’s one of the rare ones who actually enjoyed cooking and cleaning. Although I can’t say that I inherited the same enthusiasm for “household chores”, I grew up knowing that was an important skill set that would serve me and my future family for the rest of my life. Being homeschooled meant, we spent a lot of time with Mom, not just learning from books, but hands-on, practical every day living things. Gardening, crafts, hiking, camping, campfires – all wonderful things we enjoyed doing as a family. From a very young age, I remember thinking and looking forward to the day when I would be the parent.

Just like any family, there were “dynamics” and difficult times we worked through, but because of our faith in God, we didn’t give up on each other. Even during my teenage years, I didn’t experience the “typical teenage rebellion” and hatred towards my parents. Believe me, I had plenty of opportunities and like every child, “good reason” to find fault in my parents. Oh, yes, I had my moments, of course, but I also saw the hard work and effort they put into their marriage and family. Despite everything in my life and the world that would have tried to persuade me otherwise, I’ve always kept that childhood dream of being a stay-at-home wife and mother. I specifically remember being around 17 to 18 years old and my goal after graduation was to do more cooking, cleaning, etc in preparation for my inevitable marriage. I wasn’t planning on even getting a job, because I honestly expected I’d be married by the time I was 23, if not sooner.

Ironically, despite marriage being my “life goal”, so to speak, I wasn’t dating anyone, nor did I plan to. It’s a radical concept in today’s world, where marriage is often considered “optional” and people dating and living together is considered “normal”.  Believe me, I’m not judging or condemning anyone because of their lifestyle choices, just stating what my convictions are. My “moral compass” is founded on the whole Bible, and that is, God was the one who instituted the marriage covenant between a man and a woman. Therefore, I believe God is the only true “matchmaker”. We, humans, tend to be attracted to outward appearance and various other characteristics based on our natural senses. Yet, we humans are very good at disguising our true selves. A prime example is a couple who are “perfect for each other”, end up getting married, only to find out the real person is totally different than the persona they “fell in love with”. That can go either way, but sometimes that’s what ends a marriage because while they were dating, they only let the other person see “part of themselves”. But, once they get married, they let their facade down, and surprise, it’s almost like you married a stranger! Now, I know there’s always going to be that element in any human relationship. What I’m simply saying is that God created each one of us and knows everything about us, past, present and future. Therefore, He’s the only one who truly knows each one of us and is thus, way better at choosing the person we’re meant to spend that rest of your life with. Granted, it takes a lot of prayers, faith, trusting in His faithfulness, and patience.

 Now, you might be thinking, “That’s a great theory, but it hasn’t worked for you yet.” Believe me, I’ve had plenty of thoughts to make me doubt God. I’ve tried to “help God out”, but that didn’t work either. The issue is, we humans tend to compare ourselves with other, reason things out, ask questions, figure things out. Especially when it doesn’t happen within our time frame. The bottom line, we like to be in control and we want what we want NOW! But God isn’t Santa Claus, there to give us whatever we want, when we want it. Neither is it based on what we do or don’t do. You see, “God chose us in Him before the foundation of the world. … In love, He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will.”  (Ephesians 1:4,6-6 NASB)

He also says, “I know the plans that I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord. (Jeremiah 29:11-14 NASB)   

But “His ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts.” And “one day is as a thousand years and a thousand years is as one day in His sight.” “man plans but the Lord directs his steps.”

It all boils down to, the future life we dreamed of as a child is not usually going to be what actually happens, and often our timetable is not the same as God’s. We have to come to a place where we are willing to let go of our own ideas of what our life should look like and instead flow with what God has planned. Let me tell you, that is a very difficult thing to do, but absolutely necessary, if we are to reach the full potential we were created for. It’s actually a good thing to “let go and let God”, because at least from my limited experience thus far, it opens us a world of adventures in Him that we might not have otherwise experienced. If we keep waiting for “our life that we imagined” to happen, it can actually restrain us and prevent us from living the abundant life that we were freely given to enjoy.

Until next time, “May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit.”  (Eph 4:23 NASB)