Romans 8:28

The greatest disappointments in life can actually be the greatest blessings in disguise. “And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” (Romans 5:3-5)

How many of us actually like tribulations, disappointments & hardships? I dare say, none of us, when we view them from our natural mindset. We are naturally selfish and we want to “get our own way”. When things don’t go the way we want, there are many ways we can respond. Our natural tendency is to be upset, angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated, depressed or sometimes we even go into denial to try to pretend it never happened.

About a week after I got my “no” answer (see “Twists and Turns of Life” post), I crashed. Hard. I normally don’t cry easily, but this time, it was a flood. Every emotion inundated my being, thoughts bombarded my mind. How could this affect me this hard, when we hadn’t even “been in a relationship”? How could I have been so wrong about something I was so convinced would happen? Maybe he just wasn’t ready yet? Should I keep the door open or consider it completely closed? Did I just waste two years of my life? How do I move on from here?

It was the “wilderness” portion of my life. I questioned things I’d never questioned before. I was tempted like I was never tempted before and even gave into a few temptations. I went from talking, writing and openly communicating with God on a daily basis, to only when I was so desperate that I knew He was the only one who could get me out of the pit of darkness. I became depressed and not just the “I’m sad” phase. Some days I didn’t want to get out of bed. Other times I turned to my iPhone to “escape from it all”, spending hours on social media and watching movies or tv shows. I turned to “junk food” in the natural and spiritual, and I felt the effects. Oh, I’d have good days, too. And I was very good at hiding behind a smile and saying “I’m good.” I only let a few select people know what was really going on. I pretty much cut off all communication with the individual who I thought I was going to marry, except for when I absolutely had to. Yet, I hated that I couldn’t talk to him, because he was one of my closest friends. But it was just too painful. This continued off / on for 8 months before I really started to turn a corner. I realized that I had to consider that door completely closed because otherwise, I’d just keep hanging onto that thread of hope that “someday it might work out”. And I also saw that I had so desperately wanted to be married and “escape” from my current life, that I had let that cloud my vision. If I’m not content in my current situation, what makes me think that marriage will “solve” that since there’s guaranteed to be hardships and challenges there as well! 

God is ever so patient with us, and while it breaks His heart when we don’t seek him earnestly, He lovingly, patiently keeps knocking on our door until we answer. He always has a purpose and plan, even when we can’t imagine how something good could come out of a situation. For me, I had to get to the place where I was willing for Him to touch areas of my life that I had hidden away since I was a young child. Hurts I didn’t even know I had, that He wanted to heal; rejection that had affected my relationship with men in general. I saw patterns and tendencies that I had never seen before. Before I could “move on”, I had to first face these hurts, fears, rejections head-on, and allow God to heal my heart and teach me His perspective in those areas.

One of those things was something that happened even before I was born. The story was told innocently many times over the years. When Mom was pregnant with me, my brother Joel said, “If it’s a girl, I want to send her back.” It’s natural for boys to want a brother, not a sister. But, as the story goes, “When you were born, he decided he didn’t want to send you back and would keep you.” There’s even photos of him holding me with a great big smile on his face to prove it. That story “never bothered me”, or so I thought. But when God starting doing the “deep digging” in my life, he unearthed the subconscious rejection that I had perceived this as. Even though he did accept me, he still really wanted a brother. I then began to realize why I never had gotten really close to my brother. Instead, I was constantly trying to prove to him that I was “just as good as a brother”. It didn’t help that we were 7 years apart, so while we all lived together as a family, my brother and I didn’t “grow up together” the same way siblings that are only 2-3 years apart do. He was always very outgoing, loud, often taking the majority of the attention of our parents. I would observe him, take note of what not to do, primarily keep to myself and rarely could “get a word in edgewise”. Despite all this, we rarely fought with each other, mainly because I didn’t like confrontations and avoided them whenever possible. I preferred to be the “peacekeeper” of the family.

When God the Father lovingly revealed these things buried deep inside me, I was actually quite surprised. But things then began to make sense, and I was able to see the reality vs the perceived rejection. Joel had accepted me and while no brother and sister have a perfect relationship, we worked well together, he had taught me many valuable things, and we both desired to follow God’s will for our lives. He had proven many, many times that he would protect me, willing to lay down his own desires to help me, and made sacrifices for me. Now, it was my turn to accept him for who he is and be there for him when he needs it. I was blinded by the past and also the present imperfections (which we all have) and unable to see the man of God that he is, in addition to all the natural talents and abilities he has. 

Another major “childhood trauma” occurred when I was only 8 years old. I won’t go into too many details, but I was faced with a decision whether to go with my Dad or stay with my Mom and brother. I loved Dad very, very much. He was the first love of my life. I didn’t know whether this decision was a temporary or permanent one, but he was going away. We didn’t know if he’d even return. My heart was literally torn in half. If I could have divided myself in half and been in two places at once, I would have. Yet,I decided to stay with Mom and my brother. Even after Dad returned to our family, the weeks and months and yes, years, that followed were very difficult on all of us. My trust in him was broken and while I still loved him a lot, I didn’t want to allow myself to get hurt again. So, subconsciously, I began to build walls around myself, so that I would never get “that close” to anyone again. Because it was too painful to lose someone I loved that much. I lived in fear that our parents would divorce and we’d end up being split up permanently. But did I verbalize these things? Oh no, because I had to be strong and try to “keep the peace” in the family. As my brother got older, he and Mom would “lock horns” and I just wanted to “escape from it all”. I just wanted to have a “somewhat normal family” (which I now know, there isn’t such a thing)! So, in my mind, the way out of all this was very simple: graduate and get married asap, so I could have a fresh start and at least have a chance for a “normal life”. LOL Wow, was I ever naïve!

I didn’t have many “close friends” growing up, because I didn’t let them in. I considered myself a loner, an outsider. I longed for a close relationship with someone but didn’t want to get hurt again. I was quiet and kept a lot of things bottled up inside. Many people didn’t know who I really was and even though I wanted to get to know them better, I was trapped inside my own walls I’d built. I mostly related to adults that my parents spent time with and rarely ever spent any time with other children around my age. Even when I attempted to “reach out” to them, I felt like I was invisible. Other times, when I tried to engage in an on-going conversation, they’d be talking about things I had no clue about. I felt the most comfortable around other women and the few men I did talk with frequently, were closer to my parent’s age. Despite my great desire to be married, I was actually kind of scared to talk to single young men. As I got older and after working at the Humane Society for several years, I gradually became more comfortable to talk with a wider range of people, though it was just casual chit-chat. It was a struggle for me, as I became an adult, yet I didn’t know how to overcome “this wall I kept on hitting” whenever I tried to talk to people. One of the exceptions was the young man who I considered a brother, and when I began to open myself up to the idea of him being something more than a brother, I allowed him on the inside of that wall. I had allowed myself to “be vulnerable” and once again, experienced that broken heart all over again, taking me back to when I was 8 years old.
Now, in hindsight, if I hadn’t gotten that “no”, I probably would have continued living inside that brick wall and healing wouldn’t have come. “No pain, no gain” definitely applies in this situation. But God knew that I was ready to face it and by His Grace, I allowed Him to begin breaking down that wall, brick by brick. So that He could instead build what He desired in me, a true reflection of Him. 

 I believe one of the greatest blessings is when God can take those things in our lives that were the most painful and turn them into a way to minister to others who have gone through similar situations. It’s a blessing and encouragement to others that’s there’s hope and “you can get through this – with God’s help”! Although we often keep “going around the mountain” like the children of Israel in the wilderness, eventually we learn to trust God at His Word and not trust our own understanding and reasoning. Oh, it’s an on-going journey and just because I’m writing this, doesn’t mean ‘I’ve arrived’! Far from it! I’m still walking by faith and I don’t know how my story “ends”, but I know the One who has “plans formed long ago with perfect faithfulness” will complete the work that He began.

I will say this, the more we let go of our control and let “God take the steering wheel”, it can actually become an adventure! I’m not saying it necessarily gets “easier”, but when our mindset starts to function more in the Spiritual realm vs the natural mindset, it’s almost like watching a new movie. The script is written, everything is set in motion, and we can just “enjoy the show”. And unlike Hallmark Christmas movies, we really don’t know what’s going to happen! LOL Yet, God is much better than any movie producer, because He has had an eternal purpose and plan from before the foundation of the world, that we get to be apart of. You know how the best actors go beyond knowing the script and actually “become” the person they are portraying? In the same way, our purpose in this life isn’t just to know about Jesus but to become His representatives on the earth. In order for that to happen, we must lay aside our old identity and take on the identity of Christ. 

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren." (Romans 8:28-29)

x