Becoming a Butterfly

My first 3 blog posts, I got into some pretty “deep” stuff, because I wanted to lay the foundation of what I’ve been through, who I was as a child and how God has helped me through some difficult situations. It’s all part of my testimony, and I shouldn’t be ashamed or afraid to tell it. For many years, I didn’t think I had a testimony because my story of how I accepted Jesus as my Savior was very simple. I was born into a Christian family, so Jesus and the Bible was apart of our conversations and our daily lives. When I was about 5 years old, I was lying in my bed, stretched out my hands upwards and said, “Come into my heart, Lord Jesus.” No spectacular “fireworks” or life transformation, just the faith of a child. During the ’95-97’ move of God, a lot was going on during that season. People slain in the Spirit, holy laughter, people healed, signs and wonders. In addition to our regular local Sunday and Wednesday worship meetings, we traveled to Catskill, NY for special meetings at another fellowship. It was an exciting time, and while I myself didn’t personally experience any of the “signs and wonders” that were going on during that time, I witnessed many other people who did.

About 10 years later, I was water baptized and baptized in the Holy Spirit. It was a chilly day, yet I didn’t get cold despite being all wet while being prayed over. Several prophecies were spoken over me. I did notice a change in my life after that, because I now had the Helper, the Holy Spirit. But I was still very insecure, quiet and burdened by the things of my childhood. What I didn’t realize then was that my testimony isn’t solely about my salvation experience, but continues to be written as we grow in maturity and deeper intimacy with God.

One of the significant relationships in my life started with a typical question I was asked, “What’s going on?” To her surprise and mine too, I responded, “Lots!” We then began talking and we bonded very quickly. It wasn’t long before I began opening up to her, letting her inside that wall I’d built. She saw something in me that others didn’t see, and honestly, I didn’t see it either. But Christ in her began to push me towards who I am meant to be. In 2015, she invited me to travel with her to Maine to visit brethren we know and are apart of the same fellowship. I jumped at the opportunity, even though, it was the first time I’d ever been away from my family for 10 whole days! Right before we were to leave, I got a cold, but I was determined to still go. The 8 hour ride to Maine was incredible – singing worship songs together, sharing our hearts with each other, and a knitting together in the Spirit like I’d never experienced before.

One of the things she encouraged me in, was that everyone has a testimony and it doesn’t have to start with “all the things we used to do in the world”. Those of us who we were “born into the Kingdom of God” tend to think we don’t really have a testimony to share, since we don’t have a “dramatic experience” about how we were saved by Christ. The truth is, we still have a testimony to share, and it’s an ongoing story that is still being written.

I loved visiting our “extended family” in the Body of Christ, because we got to stay in one of their homes and visit other families during the day. It wasn’t about sight-seeing, although we did a little. Primarily it was about fellowshipping, getting to know each other better and of course, enjoying meals together. It also allowed me a chance to open up and share what God had been doing in my life. I somehow felt free and not restrained like I did at home. I later wondered why that was, but couldn’t figure it out. It wasn’t until this moment, as I’m typing this, that I realized it’s because I didn’t build a wall. I wasn’t afraid of being hurt since we were just visiting. But when I was around the brethren I saw on a weekly basis, some of whom I’d known my whole life, I was afraid to open up to because I didn’t want to get hurt. It’s crazy how subconsciously I tried to “protect” myself, when in fact, building walls only caused difficulty relating to people.

That trip was definitely life-changing for me, as I began to see myself differently than I had in the past. I wasn’t just my “mother’s daughter”. I was my own unique person whom God had created, and had something valuable to offer and share with others. I didn’t need to hide behind my walls. I had a testimony that was still being written. My sister in Christ saw it too and was very blessed and encouraged me to take this “New Maria” back to Delhi. Well, as it happened, I wasn’t quite ready to spread my wings and fly. I still had things that needed to be healed and ministered to, before I was ready to completely leave behind the “Old Maria” and fully embrace the “New Maria”.

There was a vision and word of encouragement over another Maria we knew, several years before that, and one time as I was listening to it on a recording, it struck a chord within me. The vision was of a caterpillar, and it was very comfortable as a caterpillar. But the Lord was saying it was time to become a chrysalis so that she could become the butterfly He had created her to be. Though her soul didn’t want to become a butterfly, the time for being a caterpillar was done. It’s been said that sometimes a word for someone else can also be an encouragement for others as well. When I was listening to that recording several years after it was given, I believe the Lord said that was for me as well, then added more to it. I saw in my mind’s eye a butterfly who had just hatched from the chrysalis and was clinging to a plant while its wings dried. As the blood flowed to its wings, it began to exercise its wings by slowly flapping them, while still clinging to the plant. Then, a gentle breeze began to blow, which grew stronger and stronger. I heard the words, “The Holy Spirit will teach you how to fly, but you must let go of the plant first.”  I saw the butterfly was still clinging onto the plant, despite the wind growing stronger. Then, it flapped its wings and let go, and it began to fly. The wind picked it up and helped it gain height and carried it away. The last part of the vision was the butterfly had landed on a beautiful flower, where it began to drink the nectar, so it could gain strength to continue flying.

Well, that was pretty cool, as I’d honestly forgotten about that vision, but ] it just came back as I was writing! I tell you, that’s been a very accurate analogy of my life. I was very comfortable just being that “shy, quiet caterpillar”, yet I had to go through life-changing events that would make me become who I am supposed to be. Even after I knew I was no longer who I used to be, I fought it, resisting the change. But we humans can only resist for so long, and God is very persistent! Fear often keeps us clinging to what we know and doesn’t want to face the unknown. Perfect love casts out all fear, and since God is love, when we let go, He carries us through whatever storms of life come our way, by His unfailing love. The Holy Spirit has been and is still teaching me how to fly.  Though I resisted the change for a while, I now understand that becoming a butterfly is worth going through the transformation process.

“Therefore, we have been buried with Him through baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life.”

(Romans 6:4 NASB)

“Christ’s love has moved me to such extremes. His love has the first and last word in everything we do. Our firm decision is to work from this focused center: one man died for everyone. That puts everyone in the same boat. He included everyone in His death so that everyone could also be included in His life, a resurrection life, a far better life than people ever lived on their own. Because of this decision, we don’t evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don’t look at Him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life begins! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with Himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what He is doing. We’re Christ’s representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God’s work of making things right between them. We’re speaking for Christ Himself now: Become friends with God; He’s already a friend with you.”

(2 Corinthians 5:14-20 The Message version)