A New Chapter

 The Story of Frank and I 

Now, a little background, anyone who knows me, I was not one to go out “looking” or “dating”, but primarily sought Yahweh in my relationship with Him, to provide a husband and likewise to prepare me to be a helpmate for him. But, also I “limited” myself to the prospects within my fellowship, a self-made box 📦. But God had other plans!!

Mid-July, I get a text from Mom saying that they’d been talking with Jim Bright, a fellow farmer who we’d gotten goat milk from years ago, Dad used to work with his wife and often saw their goats at the Delaware County Fair. 

Mom passed on a message,  asking if I’d be interested in meeting Frank Gielskie, a farmer and carpenter who looks Amish! 

I almost immediately responded, “Why not? … Got to keep my options open.” 

Now that response was NOT something I would have normally responded with, especially so quickly! 😆 And a few minutes later, I kinda panicked, because I realized that I had just agreed to being “set up on a blind date” at Delhi’s Fair on the Square!! And I just didn’t do that kinda thing! 😂 But, close friends encouraged me to just be myself and just see it as meeting another human being, without expectations! That helped a little bit, but I was definitely anxious! 

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to me, Jim texted Frank something like, “I’ve set it all up for Fair on the Square, Friday at 7pm. Her name is Maria.” 

Frank didn’t get any details, but still responded with, “Why not? Lord, lead on.” 

He had asked Jim, after all, if he knew of any woman who was close to what  he was looking for, to let him know. So what could it hurt? 

Both of us basically thought, the likelihood of this going anywhere is slim to none, but have to at least give it a chance or else we’d regret it. 

So, Friday, July 22 comes and I spot Jim in the crowd with a tall man with a wide brimmed hat and long beard following him. I pry my parents away from the conversation they were in, so we could meet up with them. 

And oh yeah, I had brought McGertie along, who’s quite shy around new people and crowds, so I could socialize her and make sure this Frank guy I was meeting liked dogs. 😁 And if nothing came of it, at least got McGertie and I BOTH had experienced things outside of our “comfort zone”! 

Well, after introductions and a little chitchat between my parents, Jim, Frank and I, we decided to move further away from the loud band that was playing music. I expected my parents to follow us, but oh no, they let Frank and I walk off into the crowd. 😆 Let’s just say, 3 hours of conversation later, mostly about farming, we exchanged phone numbers. My thoughts were, “This is worth investigating further. He has a big farm, similar ways of doing things, also does construction work, was homeschooled too, we know at least several of the same people. And he does fit my “type” with the hat and beard, that I naturally am drawn to. And we just talked for 3 hours!!” 

The following morning , I kept thinking about all that Frank and I talked about the night before. I knew that some people think that the guy should text first but not immediately, maybe 2-3 days later. But, I was like I don’t play by those rules, so I’m going to text him! 😆 

Good thing I did, because Frank later said, he was going to wait for me to text him, but certainly didn’t expect me to so quickly! 😆 Anyways, we ended up making plans to meet up at the Fair on the Square for a second time. 

But, by Monday, I was thinking, I NEED to find out what He believes, because even though, I like what I’ve seen and heard so far, the Spiritual foundation is the most important. So, with much “fear and trembling”, I dropped the 1st bomb 💣 in a text, no less! 😂 

   He responded positively, but in general, saying that it would be a better in person or perhaps on a phone call conversation. So, that was our first phone call 📞 - 3 days after meeting - started sharing about our faith and beliefs and the Bible! After that 3 hour discussion, my mind was blown, because Frank had once again exceeded my expectations (that I tried to not have) ! 

It caused me to run to God, because it was “challenging my mindset” of how I thought God was going to work, if He had brought Frank into my life for more than just another friend! There was enough things about Frank that matched what I’d been praying for in a husband, but it didn’t fit inside my little box! How could I continue this journey, when I “don’t date”, but I wanted to continue getting to know this man, yet in a manner that wouldn’t lower my moral convictions? It was a foreign concept to me, without a clear “blueprint”. 

But, now that we both knew we had similar basic Spiritual understanding, we started to “dig deeper”, including some of the things we talked about at the second Fair on the Square, when we “closed up the town” that night! 😂 

Soon, I stopped counting how many hours we’d been talking, after we reached 20 hours in a very short time! When conversations of 1 hour “minimum”, up to 3 hours on the phone and 3-6 hours in person started becoming the “new norm”, there was a lot of territory covered in a short period of time! 

Meanwhile, I had invited him to come to my fellowship, first on a Wednesday night and then Sunday. Let’s just say, we’re not a typical “church”, so it was important to me for him to meet “my Spiritual family” where I have been planted. And that I didn’t want him to come just because I wanted him to, but because he desired to be apart of this “family” as well. 

Yes, I kept “setting the bar up high” and firing what I thought were “bombshells”, half expecting Frank to get scared off, but as he said, “Your dispersed artillery fire does nothing against the bunker in which I reside. You're going to need more concentrated fire if you think you're going to get me!💥”

Oh yes, besides texting and talking, we also visited each other’s farms and met the rest of the family, shared meals together but “weren’t dating”! 😆  (inside joke I’ll explain later) 

A mere month after we’d met, Frank and I went to a vow renewal for a couple in our fellowship. It was a beautiful, heartfelt ceremony despite the downpour of rain, then delicious food made by Kyle Collins. The McElroy’s from Illinois (Heartway Farms) surprised us with being there, and further into the evening, Annie announced that there was going to be barn dancing! 

It was totally unexpected! 

I’ve always loved dancing in worship before God, but also, have on occasion done a little square / barn dancing. And often “dreamed” of dancing with my “imaginary husband”, some day! But of course, at this point, most of the people at the vow renewal didn’t know how much Frank and I had been talking and we hadn’t even “defined” to ourselves what THIS was! So, to dance together would be sending anunspoken message to those observing from the outside. 

Plus, I hesitated to go dance, because I might have been waiting to see if Frank would ask me if I wanted to. 😆 But, also was having an internal debate, because it’s one thing to talk and eat food with a man you’ve “just met”, but it’s another thing to DANCE with him! 😳 🤯

But, all it took was a little nudging from Frank and I “caved in”. 

And I’m so glad that I wasn’t held back by my previous mindsets, because let’s just say we had so much fun dancing! Even if it fried my brain to the point where I kept forgetting what was left and right! 😆 

THEN, as if that wasn’t enough for ONE day, Bryan Hickman asked Frank as we were cooling off after dancing, “So, Frank, what’s your story?” 

I knew Bryan was likely asking for his Spiritual testimony, but I kept my mouth shut, because I wanted to see what story Frank would tell ! 😆 

Well between the night’s events and too much caffeine, he started telling the story of how we met in DETAIL! Let’s just say, there was so much laughter, mainly because he mentioned that early on I had told him “I don’t date”.  Which of course, those listening picked up on and throughout the story, would joke, “But don’t worry, Maria doesn’t date!” Or “You hiked up a mountain together, but don’t worry, it wasn’t a date.” 🤣🤣 Or “You went out to eat with us and the Davies, but that wasn’t a date.” 😆 And another joked, “Oh she doesn’t date, she just speed dates!” 🤦‍♀️

At one point, I didn’t know if I’d be able to stop laughing! 

Then, when Frank got up to that night in our story, Bryan said, “Well, I HAD meant, how did you come to know God and that testimony? Even though, we obviously very much enjoyed the other story!” 

So, Frank then went onto sharing his testimony.

Once, the “cat was out of the bag”, let’s just say, we realized that we probably should “define” what we were doing and headed towards, besides “not dating”! 😂 And as Frank and I discussed, it’s not so much that I was opposed to “dating” as far as talking with or eating with or sharing experiences with someone, but the world’s connotations that often go with dating, combined with the lack of commitment and faithfulness to each other. Plus, we both have been striving to live Scripturally accurate lives as He’s revealed to us, individually and through others in the Body of Christ, so it was important that we walk this journey according to His plan, purpose and precepts! Therefore, we talked more in detail about how to move forward and asking our parents for their permission and blessing. 

So, August 28th, we ate supper with my parents and shared various things; then, together, Frank and I, held hands across the picnic table and asked for their permission and blessing. But gave them time to respond, didn’t have to be immediately. 

The next day or so, they had more questions, so invited us back Sept 3rd for “Round 2”. But then part way through the week, they decided to give ME the list of questions to ask Frank instead of them! 😳The classic delegating of parents to their adult “child”, 😌 but Frank and I worked our way through the list. Even though he had to “pry” a few of them out of me! 😝 

We were still invited to come that Saturday night. I tried not to think about WHY they might be having us over, though hoped that perhaps they had come to a decision. 

Well, Dad and Mom both WROTE out blessings for us that were both heartfelt and full of Scriptures! ❤️So precious and special! After we left their apartment, Frank and I talked in the parking lot, discussing the next steps, now that we had their blessing. Since I had Labor Day off, he mentioned coming to his farm at some point in the day, with a specific goal in mind. 😉 

But, first, we had to get through Sunday, which included a meal with the Ottisville and Connecticut brethren and I was TRYING to not “let on” that I knew what was going to happen the next day (already knowing my answer)! 😬 But, my Spiritual family, most of whom have known me for my whole life or at least 10-15 years, they have noticed over the last 7 weeks a certain glow, twinkle in my eyes and/ or extra BIG smile on my face, so it’s not like most couldn’t “see it coming”! 

Now, September 5th, the forecast was 100% rain all day, but as farmers and just “slightly” motivated, we didn’t care! Armed with an umbrella and wearing a raincoat, I made the journey to Delancey Monday afternoon. 

Frank met me in his driveway and together, we walked past the barn and into the lower fields. It took a little practice for me to not stray away from the umbrella and match our strides, but we got the hang of it. The destination was the bank of the Delaware River, where he shared the significance of water and the River of God in his life. 

With rain pitter pattering upon the umbrella and the gentle babbling river, Frank began speaking from his heart, starting at Genesis about Adam and Eve and God’s creating a helpmate for him from his own body and while Adam was complete, he was still lonely. Frank then reached out with his left hand to take my right hand. 

We read the song “ABBA Father, we call on Your Name” as a prayer, to align our hearts, our minds and our spirits to do His will. He spoke about where two or more are gathered in His name, Yeshua (Jesus) is in their midst, as a witness. 

Then leading up to how Yahweh led us to each other, the preceding 45 days of seeking His will and now our desire to be complete, not two but one. 

(By this point, I was bursting, trying to wait for him to finish, so I could respond!) 

Frank then asked if I would complete us, because He made us in pairs. Because we’re both lonely and have cried out to Yahweh for years to provide the one suitable for us!” He then looked me in the eyes, gripped my hand tighter and asked, “Would you be mine?” 

With a big smile on my face and a full heart, I said, “Yes!! Yes, I will marry you.” 

After that, we both sighed a sigh of relief, like, “Finally!! But also like well, I can’t believe that just happened!” 

After that confidence booster for both of us, Frank said that he had also picked this spot for a reason and pointed to a little ledge higher up on the bank. He said, “It’s a little thing, but it’s important to me that we can look each other in the eyes when we talk and you’re having to bend your neck up all the time.”

So, I stepped up and chuckled, “I never really thought about it, because I’m used to having to look up at people and my neck muscles are just used to it! But, yes, this is easier.” 

After more heartfelt conversations by the riverbank more, we walked back to the barn, sat down on round bales and talked more, enjoying the view of the valley and each other’s company. Frank then looked up the definition of betrothal, which is a promise between two of marriage. To emphasize what we’d said before, Frank said, “Maria, I promise to marry you.” And likewise, I said, “I promise to marry you, Frank.” 

I had written down some thoughts ideas about wedding planning, so shared those things. And he shared a few things too. But by then, we were both 🤯 mind blown and exhausted. 

So, we went back to his home (mind you, the first time I’d been inside 😂 ) and he brought out the most succulent and delicious roast beef from his cows. I ate a whole plate full of it! 😝 I will note, that for most women, if a guy has a home, they wouldn’t have said yes to marrying him without seeing the inside of his home, but for better or worse, I never put a huge importance on such things! I figured as long as it’s adequate for shelter from weather, keeping warm in winter, then the rest is just “superficial” stuff. And there’s a reason why they coined the phrase “needing a woman’s touch” 😆 so I never had much “expectations”. 

Later, his sister-in-law stops by, his nephew comes out of “hibernation” too, and the stories started… at one point, I had tears rolling down my face from the laughter! 😆 Which by the way, throughout the journey, there’s been lots of laughter and that too was a desire of my heart to have. Having grown up with a fun-loving and joking Dad, laughter is a big part of our family and just makes the heart cheerful! So, to be gifted with a future husband who makes me laugh, that’s a blessing from God! 

Then, I told Frank that I’d TRY to not tell everyone I knew until we officially announced our betrothal the following Sunday at fellowship. Well, let’s just say, I couldn’t contain the joy and it kept bubbling out over! 😆 Besides extended family and close friends, daily I kept telling Frank, well, I told this person now! 😌 My coworker asked me why I was laughing at the break room table and others started guessing and as I looked around at the 7 other people, I knew that I couldn’t hold up under that pressure! 😂 The following day, my previous custodial boss said, “Is it true that I heard congratulations are in order?” But I hadn’t told any of the custodians, so I knew that the “SUNY Delhi news network” was working! 😆🤦‍♀️

We had a union picnic planned for Friday night and my brother Joel was going to come, because Frank had plans already. But then last minute, I asked if Frank wanted to come anyways, so he rearranged his plans and came! So I knew that now the news would travel even faster! So had to tell some people that I have known for years/ my whole life that work at SUNY, so they’d hear it from me vs the “rumor mill”! 

Oh yeah, Frank & I worked on what he’d say for the announcement and tried to work out some of the details. Finally, Sunday came! Worship was very joyful and Dan who was ministering the Word, he was going to wait until Dad came, since Dad fellowships elsewhere. 

I had asked someone to record the announcement as some people were going to miss it. So, Dad comes & after several more minutes, Dan invites Frank up. I was thinking, “Should I go up too? Or stay back here?!” Then he gets to the “betrothed” line = huge round of applause and everyone stands up. So I was thinking, “I guess I need to go up there NOW!” After the family of God rejoicing with us, Frank finished with asking for the support of our Spiritual family and Abba our Father’s help as we continue on this journey together. 

More clapping 👏 as we walked to the back where we’d been sitting. Then, we got surrounded by “family” - hugging and congratulating us - so special, so much rejoicing and so much LOVE!! 

After fellowshipping with more brethren, everyone left and I rode with Frank back to the farm. Gave us time to talk and decompress, pick up more of his fabulous roast beef and observe the nieces and nephews being themselves! 😆 And I might have dipped my toe in the water a little bit, by engaging in their play for a brief moment. Frank said, “They don’t need any encouragement! 😆 “ 

But, I just couldn’t help myself! 

Then, we headed to the Delhi Dish-to-Pass Community Dinner, which of course, led to telling MORE people our good news and eating delicious food! 

By the time I got back to Franklin, I crashed into my bed, watched the videos people had taken, edited some photos and the videos, sent messages to several people. And then fell asleep with a smile on my face, knowing that the adventures have only begun! 

Death of a Vision

 Death of a Vision

In all honesty, my life was a mess at that point (fall 2019). I was juggling two to three regular part time jobs, plus two more odd jobs, in addition to a weekly 60-80 miles round trip food waste pickup route, which took at least 4-5 hours, not including unloading the 55 gallon barrels once I got back home. Then, on Saturdays, I’d spend 8-10 hours at events, setting up, sorting through the ‘trash' in the waste stations, talking to customers, taking down the signs, loading up the bags of food waste and 5 cent returnables, then returning home exhausted. There were days when I had hours of free time, but instead of taking care of the barrels of food waste, I’d lay in bed overwhelmed and unable to move. I battled depression, for I hadn’t fully dealt with every aspect of my “great disappointment” and while I loved my life, I still wished I could share it with someone who I loved. Dishes and laundry piled up, barrels of food waste sat in the driveway, attracting flies and rodents. Every time I was the mess my life was in, I felt horrible inside, overwhelmed and not sure where to start. Some days, I would start to tackle it one piece at a time. Other days, all I could manage was to make sure my brother had food to eat, while I stayed holed up inside my dark bedroom, watching tv shows or movies most of the day. Yet, I didn’t want to let anyone know that I was struggling and didn’t want to ask for help. Because that would show that I was weak and that I “couldn’t do it all”. And what would my life be, if it was just one failure after another? And who would ever want to marry someone like me, anyways? 

It was a vicious cycle, one that I desperately wanted to get out of, but didn’t know how to. It was layer after layer of things piled up, until it became unbearable. First, it was the “Fair Week”, as we called it - working the Del. Co. Fair 6am to 11am with a few afternoon shifts. Either I took care of the animals at my farm job and my own farm in the evening or I had to get up at like 3am. Some days I took a nap in the afternoon, but other days there wasn’t time. I still collected food waste that week, but I don’t remember emptying them out of the barrels. The week after the fair, we had back to back events, then I started an odd job in Binghamton, which took away another 2 days a week, in addition to my other regular jobs. Around that time, a neighbor saw my brother outside and yelled at him to basically “clean up the mess!” Of course, it wasn’t necessarily Joel’s responsibility, because it was my business after all, even though he helped when he could. 

So we worked until like 3am in the morning to clean up what we could, until we nearly collapsed. We then discussed how to best rectify the situation, because I had basically run out of space on the property, didn’t have enough time for everything and still was losing money. So we both doubled down our efforts and came up with a solution and spent the next few weeks, every chance we could, to build these “compost bays” to help keep everything more organized and make the space more efficient. We attacked the rodent issue with vengeance and seemed to have everything under control. But it was reported to us that there were still complaints from the neighborhood, so we wrote letters and personally delivered them to each one, apologizing and explaining the steps we’d taken to rectify the situation. 

https://www.facebook.com/delhicommunitycompost/photos/826602121134894

Time passed and all seemed ok. By now it was early 2020, I had gotten better at juggling things and staying on top of my depression and being overwhelmed. I made an online petition and had an overwhelming response. I thought the neighborhood issues were behind us, as long as I could keep my end of the bargain up. Then there were reports of a town board meeting. I made phone calls but no one seemed to have an answer if “DCC” was on the agenda. So I gathered my “evidence” and as a family, we showed up to the meeting. Sure enough, all the neighbors and other people were gathered. Knowing how I used to be, I would have just wanted to crawl under the rug and die. I was still nervous and my body trembled, but here I was in what felt like an Inquisition. But once the meeting started, it actually was “better than expected” as the neighbors expressed their concerns AND their support. It was determined nothing could be done there and then, but to write the code enforcement officer and he would handle it. While the “jury was still out” as to what would be the outcome, I felt hopeful and even neighbors said themselves they didn’t want to “shut us down”, while others were more like “we think what you’re doing is great, but not in our neighborhood.” 

Weeks went by and no phone call or contact from the code enforcement officer. I was hoping that perhaps “nothing came of it.” Then, one February day, I opened the mailbox and there’s a letter from the Town of Delhi. I opened it and my heart sank. In some many words, it basically said “cease and desist” until you can file a “special use permit”. 

So, I look at the special use permit, thinking Just some red tape and we’ll be up and running in no time.

But, oh no, that wasn’t the case. The stipulations were that neighbors had to be in agreement and that it wouldn’t “impact them negatively” and they had already proven that they weren’t going to agree on anything like that. And then, the deluge began.

The “If Only’s” - If only I had asked for more help. If only I had forced myself out of bed on those days when I didn’t feel like facing the mess. If only I had been stronger. If only I hadn’t procrastinated. If only I had said “no” to this or that and not burned myself out. If only I hadn’t stayed up until 1am those nights and therefore wake up until 10am the following morning. If only, if only …

I was always afraid of this failing, but I didn’t think it’d fail because it grew too fast and lacked the right infrastructure, labor or funds to keep it going. I thought it would fail from lack of support, not from being “too successful” ! Can’t I do anything right? Will I ever have success? Why is it that every time I have something enjoyable in life or a measure of success, that I fall flat on my face or the rug gets pulled out from under me!

But, I wasn’t about to give up! I fought tooth and nail, trying to find a way to keep it alive, albeit on life support. People offered solutions and contacted many people who might be able to help. I shook the trees, but at the same time, I was still juggling my other part time jobs and therefore was still limited in my time. Then, COVID hit and the “world shut down”. It seemed as if everything was against the possibility of DCC ever being able to start again. I was torn inside. 

On the one hand, was this only meant to be for a short season and some “very expensive learning lesson”? Or was it just a matter of timing and location, that one day it might be possible again, given the right circumstances? So many questions and no clear answer. After the doors kept closing, I finally decided to lay Delhi Community Compost down at God’s feet, and surrender it ALL to Him. And like I’d done with other things in my life, if He was ever in it again, I knew that He was capable of bringing it back “to life”. And yet, I still struggled at times with the feelings of “failure”, loss of all my savings that I had spent on starting it up, only to have it shutdown. Like for so many of us 2020, was a rough year, in addition to losing the business, I lost my farm job, quit my almost 12-year job at the Humane Society, ended up working 5-6 days a week at a restaurant for “peanuts”, which resulted in my living paycheck to paycheck. I looked for work but in the middle of the pandemic, it was tough finding work and I also had a different mindset that I wanted to only work part time, so that I could still “farm”. Little did I know that those challenges of 2020 would be setting the stage for my greatest blessings in life, once I let go of even more of my own ideas of how my life should look like.

The Birth of a Dream

 Late winter and early spring of 2018, was full of changes for me, growth as a person and continuing the journey to become who I am today and who I will continue to grow into. Many years before, I had read an article about Harl Hammer who had founded Vermont Composting Co, first with a team of mules and a wagon around 1998, going around to local farms, grocery stores and restaurants, collecting food waste, manure and animal bedding. He faced many challenges in the years that followed, but eventually it became a thriving business. What inspired me the most was that he had a large flock of chickens who lived off the compost piles and thus didn’t require purchased grains. So he took what was once considered garbage and turned it into not only a usable soil amendment, but also fresh eggs that he could sell. I had been composting with my chickens since around 2009, but just with our own food scraps and garden waste. In 2011 and 2012, I had gotten a 30 yard dumpster load of animal bedding from the Delaware County Fair, which produced a massive amount of compost, plus provided “work” for the chickens to entertain themselves. Since moving in Nov 2014 and starting over from scratch, I had gotten some free mulch hay and other compost materials, but up until then, I had done everything by hand. I knew that if I was to increase the input of compostable materials, I would need a piece of equipment. After much research, we decided to go with a mini skid steer, since we were limited in size due to the set up of the chicken yard and property in totality. Of course we prayed about it, but the price range was too much for me to afford, so my brother offered to help me purchase one. Still, most were out of reach. Until one day, he found a rental company in New Jersey that was selling their older Toro Dingo for a price we could both afford. Granted, when I say afford, it meant dipping into my savings that I had set aside for “marriage / starting a household”. But since that ship wasn’t on the near future horizon, I figured it’d be safe to invest in a piece of equipment that would make farm work easier and might open up the possibility of being able to handle more food waste. 

Besides, that’s how I had usually handled difficult situations in the past - thrust myself into something new! Not the best coping mechanism in hindsight, but alas, that’s how I had gotten through other disappointments, loss and other changes I didn’t like. Not to get off on a rabbit trail, but the same year we had a huge family upheaval, I “adopted” the neighbor’s two chihuahuas and made them my playmates. Though Bo didn’t become my own until my 10th birthday, those little dogs were how I could “escape”. Years later, when my second dog, Boquet, got hit by a car and died, I subsequently got rabbits. And a few months later, when Bo died, I got Muscovy Ducks! See the pattern?  When I passed my “married by 23” goal, I started breeding my own chickens, since hatching chicks was kind of a substitute for having kids of my own! So, it’d only stand to reason, when I didn’t get married to who I thought was “The One”, that I would thrust myself into starting my own business, right? Well, at that time, I didn’t see the pattern as clearly as I do now. 

Regardless of the perhaps misguided attempt at trying to divert my attention away from the disappointment and hurt, the path ahead started to look promising. I chose the name Delhi Community Compost and friends designed a sketch for my logo.

I began advertising on Facebook and Instagram, going to the farmers market, various events, put up signs and handed out business cards. Little by little, I had increased interest. I had a newspaper article written about DCC, and people started contacting me, wanting more information. Yet, being totally business-minded illiterate, I just viewed it as a community service and before I knew it, I was running around town and all over, for FREE! Yet, I loved it, because it gave me purpose and value, and I could feel good about myself, even though my life was nothing like what I had imagined it would be. I spent more money on this “project”, did a few presentations at other places and learned how to interact with people I didn’t know and talk to them about “my passion”. It was in many ways, a dream come true! I didn’t know where it would go from here, and I didn’t have a plan. I trusted that if God had opened up the doors thus far, He’d show me what the next steps would be. 

By the end of 2018, I did a financial summary and realized that if I was to continue this “project”, I needed at least some money coming in and not just money going out! But, still clueless about how to run a business, I checked the going rates of other similar services, yet ignored their recommendations. I set a ridiculously low price for the service, but it was partly because I didn’t want to lose my current “customers”. As 2019 sped on,  I had requests from various events to collect food waste, new household pickups and set up drop off locations in other towns. At the peak, I was traveling at least 60-80 miles a week to pickup food waste, nearly every other weekend was booked with events. Yet I was still losing money, and couldn't keep up with the exploding amount of food waste and compostables, plus I was also working part time at 2-3  jobs! I was burning the candle at both ends, as they say. But being “young and foolish”, I didn’t heed the warning of those older and wiser to slow down. I thought "I can do it all."

(To be Continued…)

The Turning Point

 I recently joined a text group with several of my friends who are writing, mostly fanfiction stuff. I’ve never been good at writing fictional stuff, but prefer writing from my life experiences. But I tried again and actually wrote a pretty good fiction story. But it got me thinking, and I remembered my blog “Abundant Life in Christ” I’d started a little over a year ago. I never actually finished writing what I intended, but I currently have a little more time on my hands and my creative writing juices are flowing again. 

The last time I wrote on this blog, I wrote about “Becoming a Butterfly”. Let’s just say, a lot has happened in a year, so hopefully this will turn into several blog posts. Let’s go back to where I left off. 

As I previously stated, “the greatest disappointments in life can actually be the greatest blessings in disguise.” The following story happened shortly before my “great disappointment of 2018”. As you know from my previous writings, I considered myself shy most of my life, and even as I started to become a butterfly and “come out of my shell”, I still disliked speaking in front of a group. Yet, I had started collecting food waste from a local school and in correspondence with the coordinator of this program, she invited me to speak to her class of students. I didn’t hesitate to reply, “Yes, I’d like to do that!” 

Panic then struck afterwards. What had I signed myself up for? I hadn’t ever given a presentation to a class of students, let alone ones I didn’t know! Would I get stage fright and not be able to deliver? 

But then I remembered, “I am a new creature in Christ. Old things have passed away, behold, new things have come.”

In preparation, I made my first PowerPoint presentation, wrote down everything I needed to say on a paper, so I would hopefully remember what to say. 

Then, the day came, January 4th. It started snowing on the way to the school, the roads were turning white and halfway there, at least an inch covered the road. Doubts started to flood my mind, Maybe they cancelled school today or they’re leaving early. Maybe I should just turn around and go home. This is crazy anyways, and the snow will give me an excuse to cancel. 

But I kept driving and pulled into the school parking lot. My heart pounding with adrenaline from the drive there and anticipation of the presentation, I walked up to the front door. Doors locked. Maybe I should just leave now. Last chance. I then saw the button to push to page the office. A voice answered, “Hello?” 

I shakily responded, “Hi, I’m Maria Schermerhorn and I’m here for Dawn’s class.” 

“Yes, come right in.” 

I opened the big, heavy door and walked inside. I didn’t know which way to turn. A voice from the right called out, “Over here. Dawn is on her way.”

Just then, a tall lady with short cropped hair said, “Hi Maria! So nice to meet you. Follow me to the classroom.” 

I followed, my body tensing and chin quivering with anticipation. The classroom was still empty, as I had arrived early. My hands shaking, I logged into the Office Online website and opened my PowerPoint Presentation. In my nervousness, I started talking with the teacher to try to keep my mind off the fact of what was about to take place. One by one, the students filed in and took their seats. After they had all arrived, Dawn introduced me briefly as the “chicken lady who’s been taking our food scraps”. I glanced down at my “cheat sheet” paper so I’d know what to say first. I stumbled over the first few words, but somehow managed to make enough coherent sentences that I could let the video I had chosen do the rest of the talking. 

As the video began, I took a deep breath and let out a sigh. Phew! I’ve made it this far! Hopefully, I can finish. 

Watching the 10 minute video, started to relax me and my untapped passion for education about food waste began to take over my insecurities. By the time the video ended, I forgot to look at my “cheat sheet” again, and the words just flowed out. I flipped between slides, added things I hadn’t thought about before, and before I knew it, I had reached the end of the presentation. Instead of fear and anxiousness, I sense of exhilaration and accomplishment flooded my being. You know, although nervous at first, I actually kind of enjoyed that! It wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be.

 I smiled and looked at the students, some of whom were paying attention and others nearly falling asleep. I asked, “Any questions?”

Of course, one student asked the infamous question, “How many chickens do you have?”

I laughed, “Too many too count. Not that I can’t count them, but I don’t have the time to at night and they move too fast during the day.”

Then, other questions were asked and I answered. But there was one, which became a turning point in my life. 

“Do you ever see this collecting food waste and composting with chickens becoming more than it is now? What are your dreams?” 

I don’t remember my exact response, but this question got me thinking in the days, weeks and months that followed.  Yes, I had dreamed of having my own composting business like Vermont Composting Co., but I was not that type of person to take that risk. I doubt anyone locally would be interested. It would probably fail. And even if I could, there’d be too many obstacles to overcome. How would I even start? I don’t know anything about starting a business. 

I left that classroom inspired and curious if it would be possible. But I didn’t really start exploring what could be, until a month or so later, after I had gotten the “no” from the one I thought I was going to marry. Yet, somehow, in spite of that great heartbreak, I found myself thinking, I really won’t know if it’ll work or not, unless I try. And thus began a journey that would impact so many areas of my life, as I knew it then. 

Becoming a Butterfly

My first 3 blog posts, I got into some pretty “deep” stuff, because I wanted to lay the foundation of what I’ve been through, who I was as a child and how God has helped me through some difficult situations. It’s all part of my testimony, and I shouldn’t be ashamed or afraid to tell it. For many years, I didn’t think I had a testimony because my story of how I accepted Jesus as my Savior was very simple. I was born into a Christian family, so Jesus and the Bible was apart of our conversations and our daily lives. When I was about 5 years old, I was lying in my bed, stretched out my hands upwards and said, “Come into my heart, Lord Jesus.” No spectacular “fireworks” or life transformation, just the faith of a child. During the ’95-97’ move of God, a lot was going on during that season. People slain in the Spirit, holy laughter, people healed, signs and wonders. In addition to our regular local Sunday and Wednesday worship meetings, we traveled to Catskill, NY for special meetings at another fellowship. It was an exciting time, and while I myself didn’t personally experience any of the “signs and wonders” that were going on during that time, I witnessed many other people who did.

About 10 years later, I was water baptized and baptized in the Holy Spirit. It was a chilly day, yet I didn’t get cold despite being all wet while being prayed over. Several prophecies were spoken over me. I did notice a change in my life after that, because I now had the Helper, the Holy Spirit. But I was still very insecure, quiet and burdened by the things of my childhood. What I didn’t realize then was that my testimony isn’t solely about my salvation experience, but continues to be written as we grow in maturity and deeper intimacy with God.

One of the significant relationships in my life started with a typical question I was asked, “What’s going on?” To her surprise and mine too, I responded, “Lots!” We then began talking and we bonded very quickly. It wasn’t long before I began opening up to her, letting her inside that wall I’d built. She saw something in me that others didn’t see, and honestly, I didn’t see it either. But Christ in her began to push me towards who I am meant to be. In 2015, she invited me to travel with her to Maine to visit brethren we know and are apart of the same fellowship. I jumped at the opportunity, even though, it was the first time I’d ever been away from my family for 10 whole days! Right before we were to leave, I got a cold, but I was determined to still go. The 8 hour ride to Maine was incredible – singing worship songs together, sharing our hearts with each other, and a knitting together in the Spirit like I’d never experienced before.

One of the things she encouraged me in, was that everyone has a testimony and it doesn’t have to start with “all the things we used to do in the world”. Those of us who we were “born into the Kingdom of God” tend to think we don’t really have a testimony to share, since we don’t have a “dramatic experience” about how we were saved by Christ. The truth is, we still have a testimony to share, and it’s an ongoing story that is still being written.

I loved visiting our “extended family” in the Body of Christ, because we got to stay in one of their homes and visit other families during the day. It wasn’t about sight-seeing, although we did a little. Primarily it was about fellowshipping, getting to know each other better and of course, enjoying meals together. It also allowed me a chance to open up and share what God had been doing in my life. I somehow felt free and not restrained like I did at home. I later wondered why that was, but couldn’t figure it out. It wasn’t until this moment, as I’m typing this, that I realized it’s because I didn’t build a wall. I wasn’t afraid of being hurt since we were just visiting. But when I was around the brethren I saw on a weekly basis, some of whom I’d known my whole life, I was afraid to open up to because I didn’t want to get hurt. It’s crazy how subconsciously I tried to “protect” myself, when in fact, building walls only caused difficulty relating to people.

That trip was definitely life-changing for me, as I began to see myself differently than I had in the past. I wasn’t just my “mother’s daughter”. I was my own unique person whom God had created, and had something valuable to offer and share with others. I didn’t need to hide behind my walls. I had a testimony that was still being written. My sister in Christ saw it too and was very blessed and encouraged me to take this “New Maria” back to Delhi. Well, as it happened, I wasn’t quite ready to spread my wings and fly. I still had things that needed to be healed and ministered to, before I was ready to completely leave behind the “Old Maria” and fully embrace the “New Maria”.

There was a vision and word of encouragement over another Maria we knew, several years before that, and one time as I was listening to it on a recording, it struck a chord within me. The vision was of a caterpillar, and it was very comfortable as a caterpillar. But the Lord was saying it was time to become a chrysalis so that she could become the butterfly He had created her to be. Though her soul didn’t want to become a butterfly, the time for being a caterpillar was done. It’s been said that sometimes a word for someone else can also be an encouragement for others as well. When I was listening to that recording several years after it was given, I believe the Lord said that was for me as well, then added more to it. I saw in my mind’s eye a butterfly who had just hatched from the chrysalis and was clinging to a plant while its wings dried. As the blood flowed to its wings, it began to exercise its wings by slowly flapping them, while still clinging to the plant. Then, a gentle breeze began to blow, which grew stronger and stronger. I heard the words, “The Holy Spirit will teach you how to fly, but you must let go of the plant first.”  I saw the butterfly was still clinging onto the plant, despite the wind growing stronger. Then, it flapped its wings and let go, and it began to fly. The wind picked it up and helped it gain height and carried it away. The last part of the vision was the butterfly had landed on a beautiful flower, where it began to drink the nectar, so it could gain strength to continue flying.

Well, that was pretty cool, as I’d honestly forgotten about that vision, but ] it just came back as I was writing! I tell you, that’s been a very accurate analogy of my life. I was very comfortable just being that “shy, quiet caterpillar”, yet I had to go through life-changing events that would make me become who I am supposed to be. Even after I knew I was no longer who I used to be, I fought it, resisting the change. But we humans can only resist for so long, and God is very persistent! Fear often keeps us clinging to what we know and doesn’t want to face the unknown. Perfect love casts out all fear, and since God is love, when we let go, He carries us through whatever storms of life come our way, by His unfailing love. The Holy Spirit has been and is still teaching me how to fly.  Though I resisted the change for a while, I now understand that becoming a butterfly is worth going through the transformation process.

“Therefore, we have been buried with Him through baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life.”

(Romans 6:4 NASB)

“Christ’s love has moved me to such extremes. His love has the first and last word in everything we do. Our firm decision is to work from this focused center: one man died for everyone. That puts everyone in the same boat. He included everyone in His death so that everyone could also be included in His life, a resurrection life, a far better life than people ever lived on their own. Because of this decision, we don’t evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don’t look at Him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life begins! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with Himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what He is doing. We’re Christ’s representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God’s work of making things right between them. We’re speaking for Christ Himself now: Become friends with God; He’s already a friend with you.”

(2 Corinthians 5:14-20 The Message version)

Romans 8:28

The greatest disappointments in life can actually be the greatest blessings in disguise. “And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” (Romans 5:3-5)

How many of us actually like tribulations, disappointments & hardships? I dare say, none of us, when we view them from our natural mindset. We are naturally selfish and we want to “get our own way”. When things don’t go the way we want, there are many ways we can respond. Our natural tendency is to be upset, angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated, depressed or sometimes we even go into denial to try to pretend it never happened.

About a week after I got my “no” answer (see “Twists and Turns of Life” post), I crashed. Hard. I normally don’t cry easily, but this time, it was a flood. Every emotion inundated my being, thoughts bombarded my mind. How could this affect me this hard, when we hadn’t even “been in a relationship”? How could I have been so wrong about something I was so convinced would happen? Maybe he just wasn’t ready yet? Should I keep the door open or consider it completely closed? Did I just waste two years of my life? How do I move on from here?

It was the “wilderness” portion of my life. I questioned things I’d never questioned before. I was tempted like I was never tempted before and even gave into a few temptations. I went from talking, writing and openly communicating with God on a daily basis, to only when I was so desperate that I knew He was the only one who could get me out of the pit of darkness. I became depressed and not just the “I’m sad” phase. Some days I didn’t want to get out of bed. Other times I turned to my iPhone to “escape from it all”, spending hours on social media and watching movies or tv shows. I turned to “junk food” in the natural and spiritual, and I felt the effects. Oh, I’d have good days, too. And I was very good at hiding behind a smile and saying “I’m good.” I only let a few select people know what was really going on. I pretty much cut off all communication with the individual who I thought I was going to marry, except for when I absolutely had to. Yet, I hated that I couldn’t talk to him, because he was one of my closest friends. But it was just too painful. This continued off / on for 8 months before I really started to turn a corner. I realized that I had to consider that door completely closed because otherwise, I’d just keep hanging onto that thread of hope that “someday it might work out”. And I also saw that I had so desperately wanted to be married and “escape” from my current life, that I had let that cloud my vision. If I’m not content in my current situation, what makes me think that marriage will “solve” that since there’s guaranteed to be hardships and challenges there as well! 

God is ever so patient with us, and while it breaks His heart when we don’t seek him earnestly, He lovingly, patiently keeps knocking on our door until we answer. He always has a purpose and plan, even when we can’t imagine how something good could come out of a situation. For me, I had to get to the place where I was willing for Him to touch areas of my life that I had hidden away since I was a young child. Hurts I didn’t even know I had, that He wanted to heal; rejection that had affected my relationship with men in general. I saw patterns and tendencies that I had never seen before. Before I could “move on”, I had to first face these hurts, fears, rejections head-on, and allow God to heal my heart and teach me His perspective in those areas.

One of those things was something that happened even before I was born. The story was told innocently many times over the years. When Mom was pregnant with me, my brother Joel said, “If it’s a girl, I want to send her back.” It’s natural for boys to want a brother, not a sister. But, as the story goes, “When you were born, he decided he didn’t want to send you back and would keep you.” There’s even photos of him holding me with a great big smile on his face to prove it. That story “never bothered me”, or so I thought. But when God starting doing the “deep digging” in my life, he unearthed the subconscious rejection that I had perceived this as. Even though he did accept me, he still really wanted a brother. I then began to realize why I never had gotten really close to my brother. Instead, I was constantly trying to prove to him that I was “just as good as a brother”. It didn’t help that we were 7 years apart, so while we all lived together as a family, my brother and I didn’t “grow up together” the same way siblings that are only 2-3 years apart do. He was always very outgoing, loud, often taking the majority of the attention of our parents. I would observe him, take note of what not to do, primarily keep to myself and rarely could “get a word in edgewise”. Despite all this, we rarely fought with each other, mainly because I didn’t like confrontations and avoided them whenever possible. I preferred to be the “peacekeeper” of the family.

When God the Father lovingly revealed these things buried deep inside me, I was actually quite surprised. But things then began to make sense, and I was able to see the reality vs the perceived rejection. Joel had accepted me and while no brother and sister have a perfect relationship, we worked well together, he had taught me many valuable things, and we both desired to follow God’s will for our lives. He had proven many, many times that he would protect me, willing to lay down his own desires to help me, and made sacrifices for me. Now, it was my turn to accept him for who he is and be there for him when he needs it. I was blinded by the past and also the present imperfections (which we all have) and unable to see the man of God that he is, in addition to all the natural talents and abilities he has. 

Another major “childhood trauma” occurred when I was only 8 years old. I won’t go into too many details, but I was faced with a decision whether to go with my Dad or stay with my Mom and brother. I loved Dad very, very much. He was the first love of my life. I didn’t know whether this decision was a temporary or permanent one, but he was going away. We didn’t know if he’d even return. My heart was literally torn in half. If I could have divided myself in half and been in two places at once, I would have. Yet,I decided to stay with Mom and my brother. Even after Dad returned to our family, the weeks and months and yes, years, that followed were very difficult on all of us. My trust in him was broken and while I still loved him a lot, I didn’t want to allow myself to get hurt again. So, subconsciously, I began to build walls around myself, so that I would never get “that close” to anyone again. Because it was too painful to lose someone I loved that much. I lived in fear that our parents would divorce and we’d end up being split up permanently. But did I verbalize these things? Oh no, because I had to be strong and try to “keep the peace” in the family. As my brother got older, he and Mom would “lock horns” and I just wanted to “escape from it all”. I just wanted to have a “somewhat normal family” (which I now know, there isn’t such a thing)! So, in my mind, the way out of all this was very simple: graduate and get married asap, so I could have a fresh start and at least have a chance for a “normal life”. LOL Wow, was I ever naïve!

I didn’t have many “close friends” growing up, because I didn’t let them in. I considered myself a loner, an outsider. I longed for a close relationship with someone but didn’t want to get hurt again. I was quiet and kept a lot of things bottled up inside. Many people didn’t know who I really was and even though I wanted to get to know them better, I was trapped inside my own walls I’d built. I mostly related to adults that my parents spent time with and rarely ever spent any time with other children around my age. Even when I attempted to “reach out” to them, I felt like I was invisible. Other times, when I tried to engage in an on-going conversation, they’d be talking about things I had no clue about. I felt the most comfortable around other women and the few men I did talk with frequently, were closer to my parent’s age. Despite my great desire to be married, I was actually kind of scared to talk to single young men. As I got older and after working at the Humane Society for several years, I gradually became more comfortable to talk with a wider range of people, though it was just casual chit-chat. It was a struggle for me, as I became an adult, yet I didn’t know how to overcome “this wall I kept on hitting” whenever I tried to talk to people. One of the exceptions was the young man who I considered a brother, and when I began to open myself up to the idea of him being something more than a brother, I allowed him on the inside of that wall. I had allowed myself to “be vulnerable” and once again, experienced that broken heart all over again, taking me back to when I was 8 years old.
Now, in hindsight, if I hadn’t gotten that “no”, I probably would have continued living inside that brick wall and healing wouldn’t have come. “No pain, no gain” definitely applies in this situation. But God knew that I was ready to face it and by His Grace, I allowed Him to begin breaking down that wall, brick by brick. So that He could instead build what He desired in me, a true reflection of Him. 

 I believe one of the greatest blessings is when God can take those things in our lives that were the most painful and turn them into a way to minister to others who have gone through similar situations. It’s a blessing and encouragement to others that’s there’s hope and “you can get through this – with God’s help”! Although we often keep “going around the mountain” like the children of Israel in the wilderness, eventually we learn to trust God at His Word and not trust our own understanding and reasoning. Oh, it’s an on-going journey and just because I’m writing this, doesn’t mean ‘I’ve arrived’! Far from it! I’m still walking by faith and I don’t know how my story “ends”, but I know the One who has “plans formed long ago with perfect faithfulness” will complete the work that He began.

I will say this, the more we let go of our control and let “God take the steering wheel”, it can actually become an adventure! I’m not saying it necessarily gets “easier”, but when our mindset starts to function more in the Spiritual realm vs the natural mindset, it’s almost like watching a new movie. The script is written, everything is set in motion, and we can just “enjoy the show”. And unlike Hallmark Christmas movies, we really don’t know what’s going to happen! LOL Yet, God is much better than any movie producer, because He has had an eternal purpose and plan from before the foundation of the world, that we get to be apart of. You know how the best actors go beyond knowing the script and actually “become” the person they are portraying? In the same way, our purpose in this life isn’t just to know about Jesus but to become His representatives on the earth. In order for that to happen, we must lay aside our old identity and take on the identity of Christ. 

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren." (Romans 8:28-29)

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