Twists and Turns of Life

Life is filled with unexpected twists and turns. My life’s plan was simple: graduate high school, get married and be a stay-at-home mom. What to do between school and marriage, I didn’t really plan out, because according to me, it’d likely only be a few years. So, I decided to just take life as it came, with my eye always on the “prize”. 

But, my first curveball was thrown at me around the time I graduated. Dad and I had a conversation about me finding a part-time job. I didn’t like hearing that one bit and tried to find a way out of it. The only “upside” I could see was that perhaps God has someone I was supposed to meet and share Christ with. Yeah, it’d be nice to have “extra” money, but I wasn’t enough of a motivation to make me want to get a job. But since I knew I wanted to honor your father and your mother, I reluctantly started working one day a week at the Humane Society. It was convenient since it was within walking distance of home. The work wasn’t that hard and I did love animals. I primarily took care of the cats, which is kind of ironic since I’m more of a dog lover than a cat lover. But I knew it was still my responsibility to do the best job I could, even if it was a temporary season of my life. 

    My days at home were filled with taking care of my 5 chickens, which I had received as a graduation present, and the vegetable and flower gardens. I did help Mom with some cooking and cleaning, but my love was the outdoors. I was drawn to the “backyard farming” movement and “continued my education” through reading books, magazines, and the internet about chickens, farming, gardening, etc. My plan / dream for my life then began to incorporate farming and homesteading. My brother and I built chicken coops, as my flock increased, and I experimented with different methods of gardening. In some ways, it was a way of “escape”, to keep my body and mind occupied while I waited for marriage. 

As time ticked on and the “married by 23 yr old” goal started drawing near, I decided to further prepare for marriage by using the money I’d earned to start buying things for my future household. It was just around the corner, so I thought, and things will only get more expensive. The hand of the Lord was upon this endeavor, as I found many things on sale or at second-hand stores for way less than retail. As I reached the end of my list and my “hope chest” expanded to become a whole section of my room, I thought, surely now, I’ve proven myself ready for the next chapter. With each new month, I’d think, Maybe it’ll be this month that I’ll find my future husband. It didn’t help that there was a sudden surge in betrothals and marriages, many of whom were younger than I was! Surely, I must be next! Despite my best efforts to leave the choice completely in God’s hands, I did sometimes wonder or pray about the various young men I knew. One by one, they ended up getting married. Before I knew it, I was at my self-imposed “goal mark” of 23 yrs old. I began to doubt that I’d actually get married before I turned 24, but still had hope and expectations. When my 24^th birthday rolled around and still “nothing on the horizon”, I realized that it was probably unrealistic anyways to set a time frame, yet in the back of mind, figured it could still be just around the corner. 

So, that’s how I lived my life, part of me was always waiting for God to reveal who my husband was to be and at the same time, trying to enjoy my present life. Let me tell you, it’s very hard to live in the present when you’re constantly looking to the future. As much as I tried to be patient, it was very difficult at times (and sometimes still is)! For many single women in my situation, they would have said, “Forget this waiting for God business and I’m just going to find my husband on my own. I mean, that’s what most people do, right? “ Oh, I had those thoughts, but I also saw all the successful marriages of couples who had waited on God. When I was tempted to “do it my way”, God would remind me that He knows best. But, the greatest lesson I've learned thus far, was one that was very difficult, yet worth it. 

            Around the time I turned 26, I had “a lightbulb moment” about someone I’d known for my whole life, yet hadn’t really considered before. For the next two years, I prayed, talked with God and my parents A LOT, to see if there was confirmation if this individual was to be my husband. I didn't go a day without thinking or praying about this person. It basically consumed me and became the primary focus of my relationship with God. By the end of the two years, I was pretty much convinced he was the one. I’d considered him as a younger brother for many years, yet during the “praying stage”, my relationship with him didn’t change. I wanted to make sure this was God's will for us before I said or did anything. But emotionally, I had begun to have feelings for him, even though at this point I don't think he had a clue. Around my 28th birthday, I had gotten to the point where I had to know for sure. I couldn’t wait any longer. One part of me was afraid my emotions and “what I had been waiting my whole life for” would cloud my decision-making process. The other part of me was fully convinced that I would get a “yes”.  I had doubts and wondered if I had just imagined everything. Could I really be this close to getting married? Is this really happening? What if it’s a no? But, if it’s a yes, that will change everything too! I was like a yo-yo on this inside. But, I had to know, so I could move forward with my life, one way or another. I asked my parents to help me. The fateful question was asked. Time was needed to pray and think about it. An agonizing two months passed. I didn’t want to rush the process or put any pressure, so just let it be. Finally, the day came when I was given the answer.

“No, not at this time.”  

Only five words, but they were life-changing. I think I went to shock for about a week, since I thought was “ok”, at first. Then, it all came crashing down around me, like a ton of bricks.

Had I heard wrong? I thought it was a 90% chance of a yes. Does the ‘not at this time’ mean that he’s just not ready right now, but maybe in the future? What do I do now? How do I relate to him now? I can’t just ‘undo’ the last two years of my life? What do I do with these emotions? How do I pick up the pieces and move on from here?

I talked with God, my parents and others who I was able to share these things with. I knew I had to move on, but how? I was heartbroken like I had never experienced before. Yet, in the midst of it all, God had a perfect plan and as He told me, “I didn’t allow this to cause you to hurt or do harm, but rather to heal you, even those things that happened as a child that you’ve carried all these years.” 

And thus began a journey that while it was very difficult at first, now, I wouldn't trade it for a "yes", if I could. I’m thankful for that “no” because it has made me become who I am truly supposed to be. Sometimes, the most devastating things in life are actually the most beneficial things in life, that propel us forward and get us out of “the rut” we’ve been in. 

Yes, I'll continue the rest of the story next time!